Something I have always struggled with is my emotions, and sometimes for no reason, they take over when there is no need for them to. Today is one of those days, all because a lecturer had a go at me for being late to his lecture when it was unavoidable. Nearly five hours lately and all I want to do is cry. This is silly, I’m hoping typing it up here will at least release from my heart. The one night I could have done with my belly dance class, is the one night that it is cancelled, is that just typical?! Part of the reason for the feeling is something that my mother impaired in me, never be late and I’d be punished and belittled when I was and in that class room today I reverted back to that little girl being bullied by her mother. It took all my will power not to pull a sulk. However, by internalizing this emotion I can not now let it go. A part of my knows that I should see a doctor, hey I am a psychology student after all. However, medication has always scared me and even taking one Valium tablet may completely ruin my chances of being a counsellor, and my life will be pointless. It least I’m safe in the knowledge that years of bible-bashing by mother has ingrained in me a deep fear of going to hell if I commit suicide. Is this a plea for help? Maybe. Is this a release of emotion? More likely. What am I expecting from this? Who knows! Part of the depression is a sense of lonely, when I’m not really alone. I know I have good friends that fall into several different groups (university, Pagan, others) that are more than willing to help me but they is something more satisfying in emptying your heart out to a computer. You may judge me but at least I will not have to put with your scorn face-to-face. However, you can not hug a computer and that what I want the most at the mo. A hug is better than a pill any day, closely followed by chocolate. The problem with that is it’s another form of emotion, chocolate, guilt. The great sage Garfield (yes, I mean the fat ginger cat) says that in an ideal world, chocolate would be a diet-food. However, it is not and things go wrong and maybe feeling blue is not bad, crying is therapeutic but this is so many hours later on such a trivial thing, is this crying still healing me or is making me worse? I’ve spent nearly half an hour typing this and although I’ve stopped crying, I still feel tired of life and all I’d like to do is sleep. I suppose in the eternal words of Annie, the sun will come out tomorrow!
March 10, 2011