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Archive for October, 2013

Orange in the jar

Orange is the colour of the performing arts and stage magic. It is associated with pride, courage, heroism, attraction, kinship, prosperity. it is attuned to warmth, friendship, abundance, spirit, will, principles, theory and alertness, opportunities, happiness, mental alertness, kindness, material gain, removes feelings of abandonment and helps to seal a spell, encouragement, adaptability, stimulation, plenty, charges your sexual energy and enhances the immune system. Orange is also the colour of Sun, Leo and Sagittarius, Sundays, Samhain, and Beltane. It is connected to the Sacral Charka (Pelvis, kidneys, womb, bladder, blood, lymph, gastric juices, sperm, adrenaline.) While people whose aura contains orange are seen as needing to reduce their stress levels, it is the natural aura for people who are outgoing, have physical vitality and harmony. Orange overall has a gentle warming effect. Orange should be used sparingly as it is not a good colour for nervous or easily agitated people.


It has been yellow

Yellow is the symbol of the element of air, divination, mental work such as meditation, will, intellect, and communication, as well as the energy of the sun, healing, friendship, strengthen productivity, improve inventiveness, prosperity, self-esteem, beauty, life, light, humility, persuasion, confidence, jealousy, joy and comfort,  It is associated with Wednesday, Mercury, Taurus and the Solar Plexus chakra (lower back, gall bladder, pancreas, liver, spleen, and digestive system). Golden yellow is the colour of charm, trust, Summer, bright sounds like children’s laughter and upbeat music. Pastel yellow are the colour of Spring, psychic endeavours and creativity. Yellow is used to improve balance, self-esteem, charisma, divination and creativity. It is also used for strength of will, vitality, purpose and effectiveness. Those with a yellow aura are naturally intellectual and tends to be the aura colour of writers, people with yellow aura are full of love, creativity and kindness. Yellow is connected to the Sun and is linked with Orunmila, Oshoshi, Ra, Shakti and Sun Deities.

Broken Green

Green is the element of Earth, vegetation, gardening and herbalism or wortcunning. It has always tied in with fairy folk, the Green Man and Gods and Goddesses of the forest. It is associated with fertility, prosperity, hope, joy, delight, growth, healing, new beginnings, financial gain, spring, immortality and change. Forest green is linked with fertility, the body, courage, classical music and woodland sounds. Ivy green is more the emotional side of life, such as coping with grief, pondering and hushed music or silence. Pale Greens aid the healing process. It is connected to Venus, Mercury, Aquarius and Cancer. Green is linked to Wednesday and Friday, Beltane, Yule and Ostara. Its Charka is the heart, (upper chest, breasts, lungs, heart and air circulation). People who have a green aura, have a trusting and loving character, and is often the colour aura of artists. These are individuals with balance and harmony in their life.



Middle weight

One of the issues I have had all my life is my weight, bullied for my early development of a womanly body, and then a huge weight gain during the “bad years”, I have struggled with my physical body. I am now the smallest I have been in the last ten years and yet I still hate my figure and “compare” myself to others. To try to get my “weight” in some perspective I wanted to see how I rank within UK “averages”. I am size 12/14, 11 stone and 7 pounds (73kg),  I am about 5’6 (165 cm) and my vitals are 36-31-44 and I am an E cup Now this is purely about learning to love my body, and while they may be medical issues with my size that is not what I am looking at today.

According to the Daily Mail in an article from two years ago that the average woman weights 11 stone, but they indicate what that means relevant to your height. According to this article than I should be embracing this for now, but should think about exercising, so I do not become fat in the future.

An article in the Telegraph again from two years ago has the average hips as 36in and waist as 30in. This is also highlights that the hourglass figure that according to the subtle hints by the male writer of this article, is what men truly desire, is on the decline from the 50’s when the average waist was 27.5in and hips were 39ins. it is also shows the hip-to-waist ratio was in the 50’s was 0.7 where as modern women have a 0.83, whatever any of that means.

Talking of what men like in women, according to an article in the Mirror from last year, the average women’s breasts are a 34DD, although Welsh women have the biggest breasts with the average being 34E. However, the results can be slightly askew from the fact that it does include women who have breast enhancement and therefore this “average” may not have been reached naturally. This means that on average women’s breast size, like everything else, has increased.

So overall I am “average” or slightly below or above. The only place that is nowhere near the average in my hips, which over 8ins above the average. That is one part of my body I am still loathing after this “research” but I feel more at peace with the rest of my body and with me calling myself pretty yesterday these are small steps to something positive. Of course this is NOT scientific and is flawed. Below is the links to the article that I mentioned in this piece.




The Flowering of Black Petal

Frost flowers solidified in rigor mortis
Princess of the sea who use to see the sun.
I look in the mirror and I see his face.
The one who rests in water and stole my fun.

Dawn’s vanity led to broken vengeance.
Hell broken free that night I walked away.
Holy days for the monarch and the free.
On that long, winding road for a year and a day.

When the pink leaves fell, the role call for love,
Calling me, I asked for forgiveness for the pride.
Colour me hopeless, renouncing those dark spirits.
Blind sacrifice for all the times I had to have lied.

You were my undertaker, giving me heaven in hell.
Together we sing the hardest part of the tune.
About the loneliness of those darkest nights.
And the desire to sleep underwater too soon.

The call of eternity is to forgot all I was.
Heartless passion placed in a letter.
Sent on that rail road to nowhere.
Dark dreams will turn into something better.

Love can save her, the black stars whispered.
Twinned heartbroken, I was a piece of you.
The fog cleared, and so the cold came.
Peace prayers, for both was something new.

Alone inside, but with you I still grew.
Self-prescribed ugly duckling faced death.
Darkness inside, but with you I still unfurled.
Crimson regret took its last creeping breath.

Cold hearted, but butterflies when I look at you.
Bleeding from within, fading away, changing still.
Fall to pieces, and yet I feel you all round me.
Fire burning within, but you already knew the drill.

Forever me, forever you, singing the forgotten melody.
Freed my soul into a ghost opera, voices began to bloom.
Heard of my ghost and my heart of darkness, still stayed.
I will smile again away from that home that was a tomb.

I want you even in my dreams, where I am not the ice queen.
In silent waters no longer learning to fly, but starting to bud.
Liaison, like you, with the lonely photograph inside.
Love is never gone, sometimes it is amongst the mud.

Melody of solitude is the melody of the wind.
My broken dreams had made me the cold one.
But I will never be turning back on my own.
One last goodbye to the man who stole my fun.

I enter the pool of fear, as the rain washes them away.
Resurrected and saved from myself, under your spell.
Your spider queen still has the storms raging inside.
Yet with you there is sunshine and my heart will swell.

Tears don’t fall, there is no way for them to go.
This is the last goodbye, a time of dying of weed.
Truth within me maybe upside down, waiting for rain.
But these quenching waters of evil are what I need.

Whisper my name when you dream and I will hear.
Without you my life is as cold as brandished metal.
With you I am love sick and not sick of love.
Causing the wondrous flowering of Black Petal.

A love like blue

Blue, as it is the colour of water is associated with emotional work, love peace, healing and protection. It is also thought to be the colour of wisdom, thoughtfulness and celestial regions and belongs to Friday, and the planet Venus, with green (Aqua or blue-green). Blue is linked with Virgo and Capricorn, the 5th (throat) chakra and the natural sciences. Blue is used for peacefulness and profound reflection, and use for healing, harmony, creativity, communication and resonance.  

Depression interpreter

As those who regularly read my blog knows that I have been dealing with my depression which had been focusing on my body image, but something has happened today that has swept that aside. I am going for an assessment day tomorrow, I can not find my birth certificate, my only form of ID, so what do I do? I shout and rage at myself, I tell myself I am useless, that I am no use to anyone, and that I determined to continue to fuck up my life, and therefore I would be better off dead. This is followed with my hitting myself until I am sobbing my heart out, weakened by the emotions that is flowing through me. The was not a short sharp snap, this was 30 minutes of hate, rage and feeling sorry for myself. Of course, once I calmed down I rang the people, explained the situation and they were fine about it. Now that I am away from the excuse of blaming the ex, I had to actually consider why I react the way I do. To me, I felt like I was the mother telling off a stupid child until under the weight of the sheer emotion placed on it the child cried inconsolably tears. Why do I do it now as a adult? Why am I playing the role of both child and mother?

As far as I am aware, neither parents hit me or shouted at me an exceptional amount. In fact they has always been a distant between mother and I, that I have always felt that I brought myself up. Is this me reacting to the lack of interaction that I did not have as a child? Even if it is, it still feels like an overreaction to what essentially is a silly mistake. Or am I secretly sabotaging my own happiness? The conflict being between the demon that want me to continue to feed it vs the angel that wants me to have what I deserve. But apart from the self harming aspect of this, is my rage so bad? Yes and no, getting rid of emotions is good, however I am clearly not going about it the right way. In the past I knew that these emotions were cause by the feeling trapped and while life is not perfect I am a lot nearer to it than I was. I am going to take my sorry self into town and wallow and when I feel ready I will look more into finding a “safer” way to deal with my emotions.

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