As those who regularly read my blog knows that I have been dealing with my depression which had been focusing on my body image, but something has happened today that has swept that aside. I am going for an assessment day tomorrow, I can not find my birth certificate, my only form of ID, so what do I do? I shout and rage at myself, I tell myself I am useless, that I am no use to anyone, and that I determined to continue to fuck up my life, and therefore I would be better off dead. This is followed with my hitting myself until I am sobbing my heart out, weakened by the emotions that is flowing through me. The was not a short sharp snap, this was 30 minutes of hate, rage and feeling sorry for myself. Of course, once I calmed down I rang the people, explained the situation and they were fine about it. Now that I am away from the excuse of blaming the ex, I had to actually consider why I react the way I do. To me, I felt like I was the mother telling off a stupid child until under the weight of the sheer emotion placed on it the child cried inconsolably tears. Why do I do it now as a adult? Why am I playing the role of both child and mother?
As far as I am aware, neither parents hit me or shouted at me an exceptional amount. In fact they has always been a distant between mother and I, that I have always felt that I brought myself up. Is this me reacting to the lack of interaction that I did not have as a child? Even if it is, it still feels like an overreaction to what essentially is a silly mistake. Or am I secretly sabotaging my own happiness? The conflict being between the demon that want me to continue to feed it vs the angel that wants me to have what I deserve. But apart from the self harming aspect of this, is my rage so bad? Yes and no, getting rid of emotions is good, however I am clearly not going about it the right way. In the past I knew that these emotions were cause by the feeling trapped and while life is not perfect I am a lot nearer to it than I was. I am going to take my sorry self into town and wallow and when I feel ready I will look more into finding a “safer” way to deal with my emotions.