There is nothing like an event full of couples and families to emphasis your singleton. So my automatic response to this is to become flirty with the few people who were there alone. However, after spending a night amongst couples, going to bed alone was the loneliest I’d felt in all the time that I had slept in the spare room on a mattress. By the end of the weekend, which had also included a lack of food, drink, stress and sunburn, while packing up a black cloud of sadness enveloped me and brought me to tears, because despite all of this, it was better than the loneliness I suffer in my own house. As the Beyonce song goes ‘I don’t feel at home in my own home.’ So I’ve return to acting, the mask of happiness has returned and loneliness is replaced by anticipation to the moments that I will have and the mask will reveal me again. My only concern is sometimes I worry I’m losing the real me behind this charade. Loneliness amongst others means more of an opportunity for that loneliness to be lifted, loneliness alone is deepest chasm.
June 6, 2011